7 Pointers When Dealing with Your Guy
22/04/08 10:28 |
Permalink
7
POINTERS TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN DEALING WITH YOUR
GUY
By Keisha B.
Before I get started….Did you miss me? J No, but
seriously…
DISCLAIMER: This piece is more geared toward the
ladies and are strictly based on my observations. I
have advice for the guys in a future issue, so ladies,
please don’t think this article is designed to imply
that that it is strictly up to us to keep our
relationships healthy.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way…
After reflecting on a very landmark year of personal
growth, I thought that I’d share some relationship
pointers with the Ladies that I’ve rediscovered
through a year of some very intense “enlightenment“.
Granted, I’m not inventing the wheel here and you’ve
probably heard these things before, but I’ve found
that considering these points can be instrumental in
helping avoid some of those “JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL”
moments within most relationships.
1. HE APPRECIATES IT WHEN YOU SHOW HIM ADORATION.
It’s surprisingly easy to let small things cause us to
neglect one crucial area of our relationship :
Affection. One of the strongest ways that he displays
his confidence in his feelings for you is by being
demonstrative with his affections and believe it or
not, he needs it reciprocated too. Just as women need
and appreciate adoration, men need to be shown some
love with simple gestures like compliments, a hug, a
kiss on the cheek, or a simple smile. A simple “Thank
you” can go a very long way with him, as well. Don’t
let your pride or fear of rejection stop you from
fawning over your man from time to time and giving him
the type of stimulation that he secretly yearns for..
You will be pleasantly surprised at the results…and
wouldn’t it be nice to see him blush?
2. HE NEEDS YOU TO MAINTAIN YOUR OWN LIFE…OR AT LEAST
SOME SEMBLANCE OF A LIFE THAT DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND
HIM.
You ever notice that women tend to drop their
girl-time with girlfriends or even fall out of
communication with their friends when they begin to
fall in love with a new guy? It is isn’t unusual in
the beginning stages, but then problems usually arise
when one partner has begun to center their life around
the other, while their partner maintains their outside
interests and social life. Critical Mistake! That
imbalance then creates bigger issues that quickly
sabotage the relationship. On the flip side, if you
happen to be with a guy who would rather alienate you
from your friends or if he resents your friendships,
then there is something indeed unhealthy about your
relationship. The bottom line is that you both need
balance.
For the sake of male-bonding, let him have his NFL
Sundays with the guys. For the sake of your
well-being, make time to have coffee or a chat with
your friends. Men can become resentful when they feel
that you are expecting them to drop their friends and
are expected/obligated to spend their every spare
moment with you. Their response is usually in the form
of rebellion or by pulling away, which can appear as
insensitive and uncaring. At this point, you will be
perceived as “needy” or “clingy”, as well as be too
predictable because your focus is solely on him. It is
very easy to be taken for granted at this point. If
you see your relationship headed down this road, I
suggest that you find some new interests to indulge
in. At least, pretend to have a hobby…Get busy getting
a life!
3. YOUR MATE IS NOT YOUR BEST “GIRLFRIEND”. HE’S YOUR
MAN.
Don’t expect him to want to sit and listen to you rant
about your issues with your girlfriends or hear you
whine about your how much you hate your thighs. Nor is
he interested in hearing you give him a play-by-play
of the ongoing drama between you and your coworker.
Enough already! VERY IMPORTANT: Do NOT gossip to him
about your girlfriends. It can make you appear catty
and childish, and quite simply, is a turn-off! As
tempting as it may be to use him as a sounding board
for everything, it puts his brain into sensory
overload and can send your relationship into a slow
burn when you insist on blabbing everything about
everything to him. After all, he needs to have a
little brain space left to think about the things that
concern him with his own individual life, i.e., goals,
finances, keeping you happy, etc.. Keep in mind that
he wants to help make your life better by being apart
of it, and it can make him feel helpless if you are
completely consumed and absorbed by every detail of
every area of life that he cannot help you with.
Side-bar tip: It can make a huge difference in your
quality time if you simply allow the man a little
down-time to decompress from his day before
immediately hitting him up with the issues of the day.
You will reap the benefits and he will truly
appreciate it, even if he doesn’t necessarily tell you
so.
4. HE APPRECIATES IT WHEN YOU DON’T SWEAT THE “SMALL
STUFF“.
It is wise to pick your battles and once you’ve
tackled the issue, move on and don’t keep rehashing
it. There’s a fine line between nitpicking and posing
an issue. Keep in mind that by virtue of him being
just plain ole’ human, there are going to be
disappointments and expectations not met. The last
thing that you want to make him feel is the idea that
he can’t do anything right, simply because he will
eventually give up. Once he starts to sense that you
are not willing to make allowances for the smaller
things or that you are overly critical, the lines of
communication will shut down because he will begin to
fear that you won’t be able to handle the bigger
issues together as a team. He usually knows when he’s
disappointed you and believe it or not, that isn’t his
goal. Underneath it all, he needs to feel that he can
trust that you will not throw him to the dogs every
time he makes a human error and that you will be
forgiving, despite his faults. Pick your battles and
know when to give it a rest.
Important tip: Try to catch yourself when you feel
yourself becoming redundant in an argument, as the
more you repeat yourself, the volume button in his ear
decreases. Why? Because his ears are processing it
as “nagging” and the results will be predictable: You
push, He pulls. State your point, try to skip the
theatrics, and then do the unthinkable: Give him time
to respond!
5. HE CAN’T READ YOUR MIND.
We get caught up in the notion that “If he loved me,
then he’d know what I’m thinking”. WRONG! Again, men
are wired completely differently. His inability to
read your mind, judge your every mood, or anticipate
your every need is not a measurement or a lack of his
love for you. It is not only foolish, but unfair to
expect him to do so. Again, his goal isn’t to
disappoint you, so help him understand how to help the
situation by just telling him what is on your mind.
Side-note: During an argument, men are usually too
busy trying to process and understand the first issue
that we mentioned, so they often can’t begin to
imagine, much less anticipate the next issue we will
mention. You will save yourself (and him) much agony
and energy if you just state your point (spare the
lengthy details and volatile emotion) and stop
assuming that he knows automatically what you’re
feeling.
6. THE WORLD ISN’T COMING TO AN END WHEN HE HAS
MOMENTS OF SILENCE.
We tend to immediately think that there’s something
wrong or some deep, underlying issue as soon as there
is a lull in conversation. When they become unusually
quiet, we become anxious, even neurotic. No matter
how batty those silent spells can drive you, try to
force yourself to take a step back and realize that
you don’t have to “fix” the silence or fill the
silence with small talk . Simply let the moment be.
Resign yourself to NOT go into panic mode by asking
repeatedly, “What are you thinking about? What’s wrong
with you?“, if he insists that nothing‘s the matter
the first time you ask. (Twice should be your maximum)
Why? Simply because if he says he’s not thinking about
anything, then he probably isn’t . It could be as
simple as just plain ole’ brain fog.
7. JUDGE HIM BY HIS ACTIONS, AND NOT NECESSARILY HIS
WORDS.
Ladies, please stop putting so much emphasis on what
your guy says and more emphasis on what he does.
His expression of love is in the small things that he
does that can go unnoticed. Instead of fixating so
much on hearing the “I love you’s” (and I know we all
love to hear it), pay attention to the expressions of
love that demonstrate what he feels for you. When he
takes your car to change the tires, scrapes the ice
off of your windshield, calls in the middle of the day
to check on you, puts his arms around you, spoons
with you in bed, he is expressing his love. You may
think that those things are his inherent duty as your
mate, but realize that he isn’t obligated nonetheless
and expressions of love should never be taken for
granted . Give credit where credit is due and take
note when he honors his feelings for you by simply
doing small things that bring a smile to your face.
Men are made of action and it is hugely misunderstood
that in order to be in love with us, they have to
express it with flowery verbiage.
In closing…
I invite both of my female and male readers to
write-in and share some of your thoughts and
perspective on your suggestions for relationship
improvement and please feel free to be very candid
with your thoughts.
Muah!!
Keisha B.
KeishaB@StriveMagazine.com
If you would like to submit an essay/open editorial
for consideration as a contributing writer, please
email me.
By Keisha B.Before I get started….Did you miss me? J No, but
seriously…
DISCLAIMER: This piece is more geared toward the
ladies and are strictly based on my observations. I
have advice for the guys in a future issue, so ladies,
please don’t think this article is designed to imply
that that it is strictly up to us to keep our
relationships healthy.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way…
After reflecting on a very landmark year of personal
growth, I thought that I’d share some relationship
pointers with the Ladies that I’ve rediscovered
through a year of some very intense “enlightenment“.
Granted, I’m not inventing the wheel here and you’ve
probably heard these things before, but I’ve found
that considering these points can be instrumental in
helping avoid some of those “JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL”
moments within most relationships.
1. HE APPRECIATES IT WHEN YOU SHOW HIM ADORATION.
It’s surprisingly easy to let small things cause us to
neglect one crucial area of our relationship :
Affection. One of the strongest ways that he displays
his confidence in his feelings for you is by being
demonstrative with his affections and believe it or
not, he needs it reciprocated too. Just as women need
and appreciate adoration, men need to be shown some
love with simple gestures like compliments, a hug, a
kiss on the cheek, or a simple smile. A simple “Thank
you” can go a very long way with him, as well. Don’t
let your pride or fear of rejection stop you from
fawning over your man from time to time and giving him
the type of stimulation that he secretly yearns for..
You will be pleasantly surprised at the results…and
wouldn’t it be nice to see him blush?
2. HE NEEDS YOU TO MAINTAIN YOUR OWN LIFE…OR AT LEAST
SOME SEMBLANCE OF A LIFE THAT DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND
HIM.
You ever notice that women tend to drop their
girl-time with girlfriends or even fall out of
communication with their friends when they begin to
fall in love with a new guy? It is isn’t unusual in
the beginning stages, but then problems usually arise
when one partner has begun to center their life around
the other, while their partner maintains their outside
interests and social life. Critical Mistake! That
imbalance then creates bigger issues that quickly
sabotage the relationship. On the flip side, if you
happen to be with a guy who would rather alienate you
from your friends or if he resents your friendships,
then there is something indeed unhealthy about your
relationship. The bottom line is that you both need
balance.
For the sake of male-bonding, let him have his NFL
Sundays with the guys. For the sake of your
well-being, make time to have coffee or a chat with
your friends. Men can become resentful when they feel
that you are expecting them to drop their friends and
are expected/obligated to spend their every spare
moment with you. Their response is usually in the form
of rebellion or by pulling away, which can appear as
insensitive and uncaring. At this point, you will be
perceived as “needy” or “clingy”, as well as be too
predictable because your focus is solely on him. It is
very easy to be taken for granted at this point. If
you see your relationship headed down this road, I
suggest that you find some new interests to indulge
in. At least, pretend to have a hobby…Get busy getting
a life!
3. YOUR MATE IS NOT YOUR BEST “GIRLFRIEND”. HE’S YOUR
MAN.
Don’t expect him to want to sit and listen to you rant
about your issues with your girlfriends or hear you
whine about your how much you hate your thighs. Nor is
he interested in hearing you give him a play-by-play
of the ongoing drama between you and your coworker.
Enough already! VERY IMPORTANT: Do NOT gossip to him
about your girlfriends. It can make you appear catty
and childish, and quite simply, is a turn-off! As
tempting as it may be to use him as a sounding board
for everything, it puts his brain into sensory
overload and can send your relationship into a slow
burn when you insist on blabbing everything about
everything to him. After all, he needs to have a
little brain space left to think about the things that
concern him with his own individual life, i.e., goals,
finances, keeping you happy, etc.. Keep in mind that
he wants to help make your life better by being apart
of it, and it can make him feel helpless if you are
completely consumed and absorbed by every detail of
every area of life that he cannot help you with.
Side-bar tip: It can make a huge difference in your
quality time if you simply allow the man a little
down-time to decompress from his day before
immediately hitting him up with the issues of the day.
You will reap the benefits and he will truly
appreciate it, even if he doesn’t necessarily tell you
so.
4. HE APPRECIATES IT WHEN YOU DON’T SWEAT THE “SMALL
STUFF“.
It is wise to pick your battles and once you’ve
tackled the issue, move on and don’t keep rehashing
it. There’s a fine line between nitpicking and posing
an issue. Keep in mind that by virtue of him being
just plain ole’ human, there are going to be
disappointments and expectations not met. The last
thing that you want to make him feel is the idea that
he can’t do anything right, simply because he will
eventually give up. Once he starts to sense that you
are not willing to make allowances for the smaller
things or that you are overly critical, the lines of
communication will shut down because he will begin to
fear that you won’t be able to handle the bigger
issues together as a team. He usually knows when he’s
disappointed you and believe it or not, that isn’t his
goal. Underneath it all, he needs to feel that he can
trust that you will not throw him to the dogs every
time he makes a human error and that you will be
forgiving, despite his faults. Pick your battles and
know when to give it a rest.
Important tip: Try to catch yourself when you feel
yourself becoming redundant in an argument, as the
more you repeat yourself, the volume button in his ear
decreases. Why? Because his ears are processing it
as “nagging” and the results will be predictable: You
push, He pulls. State your point, try to skip the
theatrics, and then do the unthinkable: Give him time
to respond!
5. HE CAN’T READ YOUR MIND.
We get caught up in the notion that “If he loved me,
then he’d know what I’m thinking”. WRONG! Again, men
are wired completely differently. His inability to
read your mind, judge your every mood, or anticipate
your every need is not a measurement or a lack of his
love for you. It is not only foolish, but unfair to
expect him to do so. Again, his goal isn’t to
disappoint you, so help him understand how to help the
situation by just telling him what is on your mind.
Side-note: During an argument, men are usually too
busy trying to process and understand the first issue
that we mentioned, so they often can’t begin to
imagine, much less anticipate the next issue we will
mention. You will save yourself (and him) much agony
and energy if you just state your point (spare the
lengthy details and volatile emotion) and stop
assuming that he knows automatically what you’re
feeling.
6. THE WORLD ISN’T COMING TO AN END WHEN HE HAS
MOMENTS OF SILENCE.
We tend to immediately think that there’s something
wrong or some deep, underlying issue as soon as there
is a lull in conversation. When they become unusually
quiet, we become anxious, even neurotic. No matter
how batty those silent spells can drive you, try to
force yourself to take a step back and realize that
you don’t have to “fix” the silence or fill the
silence with small talk . Simply let the moment be.
Resign yourself to NOT go into panic mode by asking
repeatedly, “What are you thinking about? What’s wrong
with you?“, if he insists that nothing‘s the matter
the first time you ask. (Twice should be your maximum)
Why? Simply because if he says he’s not thinking about
anything, then he probably isn’t . It could be as
simple as just plain ole’ brain fog.
7. JUDGE HIM BY HIS ACTIONS, AND NOT NECESSARILY HIS
WORDS.
Ladies, please stop putting so much emphasis on what
your guy says and more emphasis on what he does.
His expression of love is in the small things that he
does that can go unnoticed. Instead of fixating so
much on hearing the “I love you’s” (and I know we all
love to hear it), pay attention to the expressions of
love that demonstrate what he feels for you. When he
takes your car to change the tires, scrapes the ice
off of your windshield, calls in the middle of the day
to check on you, puts his arms around you, spoons
with you in bed, he is expressing his love. You may
think that those things are his inherent duty as your
mate, but realize that he isn’t obligated nonetheless
and expressions of love should never be taken for
granted . Give credit where credit is due and take
note when he honors his feelings for you by simply
doing small things that bring a smile to your face.
Men are made of action and it is hugely misunderstood
that in order to be in love with us, they have to
express it with flowery verbiage.
In closing…
I invite both of my female and male readers to
write-in and share some of your thoughts and
perspective on your suggestions for relationship
improvement and please feel free to be very candid
with your thoughts.
Muah!!
Keisha B.
KeishaB@StriveMagazine.com
If you would like to submit an essay/open editorial
for consideration as a contributing writer, please
email me.
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