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7 Pointers When Dealing with Your Guy

jcarethers@illustcat.net — 2008-04-22T10:28:05-04:00

7 POINTERS TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN DEALING WITH YOUR GUY

By Keisha B.

Before I get started….Did you miss me? J No, but
seriously…

DISCLAIMER: This piece is more geared toward the
ladies and are strictly based on my observations. I
have advice for the guys in a future issue, so ladies,
please don’t think this article is designed to imply
that that it is strictly up to us to keep our
relationships healthy.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way…

After reflecting on a very landmark year of personal
growth, I thought that I’d share some relationship
pointers with the Ladies that I’ve rediscovered
through a year of some very intense “enlightenment“.
Granted, I’m not inventing the wheel here and you’ve
probably heard these things before, but I’ve found
that considering these points can be instrumental in
helping avoid some of those “JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL”
moments within most relationships.

1. HE APPRECIATES IT WHEN YOU SHOW HIM ADORATION.
It’s surprisingly easy to let small things cause us to
neglect one crucial area of our relationship :
Affection. One of the strongest ways that he displays
his confidence in his feelings for you is by being
demonstrative with his affections and believe it or
not, he needs it reciprocated too. Just as women need
and appreciate adoration, men need to be shown some
love with simple gestures like compliments, a hug, a
kiss on the cheek, or a simple smile. A simple “Thank
you” can go a very long way with him, as well. Don’t
let your pride or fear of rejection stop you from
fawning over your man from time to time and giving him
the type of stimulation that he secretly yearns for..
You will be pleasantly surprised at the results…and
wouldn’t it be nice to see him blush?

2. HE NEEDS YOU TO MAINTAIN YOUR OWN LIFE…OR AT LEAST
SOME SEMBLANCE OF A LIFE THAT DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND
HIM.
You ever notice that women tend to drop their
girl-time with girlfriends or even fall out of
communication with their friends when they begin to
fall in love with a new guy? It is isn’t unusual in
the beginning stages, but then problems usually arise
when one partner has begun to center their life around
the other, while their partner maintains their outside
interests and social life. Critical Mistake! That
imbalance then creates bigger issues that quickly
sabotage the relationship. On the flip side, if you
happen to be with a guy who would rather alienate you
from your friends or if he resents your friendships,
then there is something indeed unhealthy about your
relationship. The bottom line is that you both need
balance.

For the sake of male-bonding, let him have his NFL
Sundays with the guys. For the sake of your
well-being, make time to have coffee or a chat with
your friends. Men can become resentful when they feel
that you are expecting them to drop their friends and
are expected/obligated to spend their every spare
moment with you. Their response is usually in the form
of rebellion or by pulling away, which can appear as
insensitive and uncaring. At this point, you will be
perceived as “needy” or “clingy”, as well as be too
predictable because your focus is solely on him. It is
very easy to be taken for granted at this point. If
you see your relationship headed down this road, I
suggest that you find some new interests to indulge
in. At least, pretend to have a hobby…Get busy getting
a life!

3. YOUR MATE IS NOT YOUR BEST “GIRLFRIEND”. HE’S YOUR
MAN.
Don’t expect him to want to sit and listen to you rant
about your issues with your girlfriends or hear you
whine about your how much you hate your thighs. Nor is
he interested in hearing you give him a play-by-play
of the ongoing drama between you and your coworker.
Enough already! VERY IMPORTANT: Do NOT gossip to him
about your girlfriends. It can make you appear catty
and childish, and quite simply, is a turn-off! As
tempting as it may be to use him as a sounding board
for everything, it puts his brain into sensory
overload and can send your relationship into a slow
burn when you insist on blabbing everything about
everything to him. After all, he needs to have a
little brain space left to think about the things that
concern him with his own individual life, i.e., goals,
finances, keeping you happy, etc.. Keep in mind that
he wants to help make your life better by being apart
of it, and it can make him feel helpless if you are
completely consumed and absorbed by every detail of
every area of life that he cannot help you with.

Side-bar tip: It can make a huge difference in your
quality time if you simply allow the man a little
down-time to decompress from his day before
immediately hitting him up with the issues of the day.
You will reap the benefits and he will truly
appreciate it, even if he doesn’t necessarily tell you
so.

4. HE APPRECIATES IT WHEN YOU DON’T SWEAT THE “SMALL
STUFF“.
It is wise to pick your battles and once you’ve
tackled the issue, move on and don’t keep rehashing
it. There’s a fine line between nitpicking and posing
an issue. Keep in mind that by virtue of him being
just plain ole’ human, there are going to be
disappointments and expectations not met. The last
thing that you want to make him feel is the idea that
he can’t do anything right, simply because he will
eventually give up. Once he starts to sense that you
are not willing to make allowances for the smaller
things or that you are overly critical, the lines of
communication will shut down because he will begin to
fear that you won’t be able to handle the bigger
issues together as a team. He usually knows when he’s
disappointed you and believe it or not, that isn’t his
goal. Underneath it all, he needs to feel that he can
trust that you will not throw him to the dogs every
time he makes a human error and that you will be
forgiving, despite his faults. Pick your battles and
know when to give it a rest.

Important tip: Try to catch yourself when you feel
yourself becoming redundant in an argument, as the
more you repeat yourself, the volume button in his ear
decreases. Why? Because his ears are processing it
as “nagging” and the results will be predictable: You
push, He pulls. State your point, try to skip the
theatrics, and then do the unthinkable: Give him time
to respond!

5. HE CAN’T READ YOUR MIND.
We get caught up in the notion that “If he loved me,
then he’d know what I’m thinking”. WRONG!   Again, men
are wired completely differently. His inability to
read your mind, judge your every mood, or anticipate
your every need is not a measurement or a lack of his
love for you. It is not only foolish, but unfair to
expect him to do so. Again, his goal isn’t to
disappoint you, so help him understand how to help the
situation by just telling him what is on your mind.
Side-note: During an argument, men are usually too
busy trying to process and understand the first issue
that we mentioned, so they often can’t begin to
imagine, much less anticipate the next issue we will
mention. You will save yourself (and him) much agony
and energy if you just state your point (spare the
lengthy details and volatile emotion) and stop
assuming that he knows automatically what you’re
feeling.

6. THE WORLD ISN’T COMING TO AN END WHEN HE HAS
MOMENTS OF SILENCE.
We tend to immediately think that there’s something
wrong or some deep, underlying issue as soon as there
is a lull in conversation. When they become unusually
quiet, we become anxious, even neurotic. No matter
how batty those silent spells can drive you, try to
force yourself to take a step back and realize that
you don’t have to “fix” the silence or fill the
silence with small talk . Simply let the moment be.
Resign yourself to NOT go into panic mode by asking
repeatedly, “What are you thinking about? What’s wrong
with you?“, if he insists that nothing‘s the matter
the first time you ask. (Twice should be your maximum)
Why? Simply because if he says he’s not thinking about
anything, then he probably isn’t . It could be as
simple as just plain ole’ brain fog.

7. JUDGE HIM BY HIS ACTIONS, AND NOT NECESSARILY HIS
WORDS.
Ladies, please stop putting so much emphasis on what
your guy says and more emphasis on what he does.
His expression of love is in the small things that he
does that can go unnoticed. Instead of fixating so
much on hearing the “I love you’s” (and I know we all
love to hear it), pay attention to the expressions of
love that demonstrate what he feels for you. When he
takes your car to change the tires, scrapes the ice
off of your windshield, calls in the middle of the day
to check on you, puts his arms around you, spoons
with you in bed, he is expressing his love. You may
think that those things are his inherent duty as your
mate, but realize that he isn’t obligated nonetheless
and expressions of love should never be taken for
granted . Give credit where credit is due and take
note when he honors his feelings for you by simply
doing small things that bring a smile to your face.
Men are made of action and it is hugely misunderstood
that in order to be in love with us, they have to
express it with flowery verbiage.

In closing…

I invite both of my female and male readers to
write-in and share some of your thoughts and
perspective on your suggestions for relationship
improvement and please feel free to be very candid
with your thoughts.

Muah!!

Keisha B.
KeishaB@StriveMagazine.com

If you would like to submit an essay/open editorial
for consideration as a contributing writer, please
email me.

Now That's Not Funny-ReRun

jcarethers@illustcat.net — 2007-10-09T08:24:22-04:00

 Boy, can I take a joke!!! Thanks Mom and Dad for playing "Your Mother" jokes with me when I was ten so, the kid can have a thick skin:   Mommy Davis says "Keenan, Your mom's so fat, when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party" (and yes you caught that right, my mother would tell them to me, which is basically telling them about herself...you gotta love it lol)   I went to Vegas one week last year for the birthday of one of my best friends in the world and old college roommate, Jeff Meade. Long story, short...all of my college friends (guys and girls) flew out to Vegas to do it up for Jeff’s 30th. Amongst the reunions, there was also me and my college girlfriend, Myisha. Now mind you I hadn't seen Myisha in literally 10 years and back then, let’s just say the kid looked a little different. About 75 pounds different! Now it ain't all Long Beaches and late night ham sandwiches, part of it is that I decided to get a chest and work out and then the Long Beaches & ham sandwiches ruined all the diesel-ness and has me operating at only about 85% sexy.   Sidebar: Long Beaches are Long Island Iced Teas with Cranberry instead of Coke…same bang for the buck but, just a tad sweeter…learned that one when all the guys would meet up for drinks after Alcohol Anonymous Cl@ss   Just to bring this full circle to you and explain why Myisha’s was literally on the ground laughing hysterically with tears in her eyes…here’s a before and after shot (circa 2002 & circa 8/31/06 around 2 AM):

Here's the pic:

 Even funnier, Myisha knew me 25 pounds lighter than the circa 2002 shot. Boy, can I take a joke!!! 4 straight days of being called fatty and big drawers!!! LOL LOL. If I wasn’t drunk off free Long Beaches while getting taken for all my loot at the poker table, I might've been upset.   And that’s a whole 'nother story, I think I had more alcohol than blood in my system this weekend. My hands were literally shaking as I tried to stack my chips after winning with a pair of 4's in the Aladdin’s Poker Room. I HAD THE SHAKES!!! LOL LOL!!! It might also explain why after parlaying $50 bucks in to $620 over an hour and a half of Texas Hold-em, I immediately lost it all within 7 minutes. Kids, 3 Long Beaches at 2:00 in the afternoon in 95 degree heat makes for a bad combination with Adult ADD when gambling...remember that Unky Kee told you so!

Keenan “I’m Big Boned” Davis  contact Keenan click here

Childhood Nicknames

jcarethers@illustcat.net — 2007-08-20T08:19:13-04:00

I remember my sister (besides still calling me "Buttface") introducing me as her sister everytime we met someone,    or her calling me "K-9" (as in "canine", as in her dog lol lol)    then there was my boy who called me "Kee-dome" (as in my forehead was as big as the old stadium for the Seattle Mariners called the Kingdome)    then there were those little bastards in P.S. 235 & I.S. 383 who used to call me "Keenie Weenie" or when they were too lazy to say all the syllables would just go with "Kee-Wee"   then in college I was "Mel", cause my boy Jeff thought I was so dark, that he was just gonna call me "melanin" and "Mel" was the short version of that    but, I have to admit one of my all-time favorites was just given to me recently when I was introduced to this gay dude who promptly called me "11:59", because I'm so dark that I'm a minute shy of midnight LOL LOL LOL. That one brought tears to my eyes it was so funny!    So share with me people I know I can't be the only one who will never ever ever ever name their child after them because kids can be cruel and being called "Keenie Weenie" for a few years could do some real damage if I didn't have bigger fish to fry lol lol. Probably part of the reason I'm writing these d@mn rants and raves to begin with!   Keenan "Kee-Kee Boobie" Davis  ...the only nickname I ever liked, thanks Faye "She-She Boobie" Canty :)

1st and 3rd World Prostitution

jcarethers@illustcat.net — 2007-08-08T08:19:40-04:00

Keenan’s Weekly Rants & Raves – 1ST World / 3RD World Prostitution   I have dubbed myself “Young Frequent Flier Miles”. I like to travel and like Jay-Z said in “30 is the new 20,” “South Beach is cool but, I’m in San Drope!” Last year, I spent 10 days (October 6th thru the 15th) in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic,. I was turning 30 so, me and all my boys I went to college with, decided to travel a bit to bring in the new decade. We were 8 deep and 4 of us were turning 30 within September & October, with me being the last to turn on October 23rd. Big shout to CP (bday – 10/10), Kenny (bday – 10/21), Jeff (bday – 9/4), Damon, Greg, Pat & Mike for doing it up with me for our collective birthdays by taking out the country with me as only Young Frequent Flier Miles can!!!   I'll tell y'all one thing, being out in DR got me to thinking…I'm sure it's not secret to anyone that there is prostitution in DR. So, as I'm chilling at the pool, drinking "Cuba Libres" (Dominican for Rum & Coke), watching all the 40+ white dudes slide into their hotel rooms with these 18 year old Dominican pieces for all of 1500 pesos (less than $50 bucks American) I'm realizing that things ain't so different back in the good ole' US of A.   Let's draw some comparisons!  ---  The dime piece in the club who only talks to you cuz you got bottles on the table and you're strolling in and out of VIP all night   VERY SIMILAR TO…   The 3rd world country "working girl" who sees your American dollar and gringo accent coming down the block and starts trying to bag you with her broken English  ---  The upwardly mobile, sorority stepping sister from the club who only wants to be taken out to the finest restaurants before she even thinks about sleeping with you   VERY SIMILAR TO…   The 3rd world country "working girl" who wants her pesos, reals or whatever money upfront before she even thinks about sleeping with you  ---   I've heard from many a woman that there are no good men in NY. But, when you act like his money matters so much, don't be shocked when he hits and runs. If you was really trying to get to know a dude, you'd be ok with him taking you out for a picnic, or for dessert or to a restaurant that ends in "apostrophe S".   Side note: For those who don't get that, I've heard that you should never take a woman to a restaurant for the first date if the name of it ends in apostrophe S. For example, you have Friday's, Chili's or McDonald's lol lol.   If he's dropping $100 a date for 3, 4, 5 dates just to "get to know you" don't be mad if he scurries off to Brazil, where for that same money he just bought himself a 3some and still got money left over to buy out the bar in Rio!!! Hell, he might spend all that loot on your bougie @ss and still not even get to hit!   Ladies, at least pretend to pick up a check, just reach for it, show him you don't only care about his loot. Fellas, test that girl out and take her to a nice Thai restaurant! See how she feels about it. Great ambiance and the meal will only run ya' $50 with appetizers and drinks!!! If you need restaurant suggestions, holla at me!   I remember a line from a movie where this dude said "You don't pay prostitutes for sex, you pay them to go away!" Think about it, ladies!   Is conversation with you really worth the price of dinner at Nobu? And if you really wanted a good man, wouldn't his conversation be worth the bill at Peter Luger's??? Yes it would, so take us out to a steak dinner and pick up the tab!!!   Keenan "How Will I Spend My Pesos" Davis 

The Man Law Series Part 4

jcarethers@illustcat.net — 2007-06-09T08:19:39-04:00

Keenan’s Weekly Rants & Raves – THE MAN LAW SERIES PART IV   It's time to bring my "Man Laws" series to an end with something that is part Man-Law but, more a call to arms for all my dudes out there! Enough is enough! I've had it up to here!   MAN LAW 1: SHUT DOWN ALL WD's   I know the acronym "WD" doesn't make any sense to you...Let me explain myself: I'm  tired of all these songs, jokes, TV shows, movies, books, snide comments and all around slander & libel about men having "little ones." LOL LOL OK, I can admit it is funny but, were only telling one side of the story! What about these women who are as wide and deep as the Great Atlantic Ocean! What about these women who you can d@mn near fit your leg inside, much less your "mini-me!" What about these women who can slide every inanimate object smaller than a Geo Metro inside em' as easy as the circle goes in the round slot when you were in Pre-K! MAYBE it's not that dude is small, MAYBE JUST MAYBE IT'S THAT YOU'RE WIDE & DEEP!!! Hence the meaning of WD's: Wide & Deep's!!!  This madness needs to stop! Just like dudes who come in all different shapes and sizes,  long or short, thick or thin: some of you ladies are gonna be tight or wide, shallow or  deep! Embrace your giant, gaping hole! We don't even be saying anything, do we? We  handle our business the best we can and half the time come back for more of that  humongous stuff! So ladies, take this time to slide to the restroom and do a quick check, if you can get 3+ fingers in there with no resistance - it ain't that dude's fault! He's not the  one to blame! For once: If it does fit, you must acquit! Also ladies, the next time you hear  one of your girls talking about how "dude wasn't packing," think to yourself "maybe he  wasn't but, maybe just maybe your girl is a WD!!!" LOL LOL!! Spread the word ladies and gents: WD's are out there and they need to be checked!!!   I guess I should also put one more advisory here: I know the dudes won't care cuz one  man should never care about what another dude is packing (MAN LAW - 421) BUT, this is not about me being sensitive about what I got, I'm more than capable and I have  references that can be furnished upon request!! LOL LOL This about this being a one-sided issue for way too long!  

Keenan "Campaigning Against All WD's" Davis

The Man Law Series Part 3

jcarethers@illustcat.net — 2007-05-06T08:19:39-04:00

Keenan’s Weekly Rants & Raves – THE MAN LAW SERIES PART III

 Those who’ve seen me in the club might have noticed that I tend to dance every now and  then ;) And as a cat who does his same ole two-step, I’ve noticed the two-step of other  cats in the club. And there’s something that’s going on more and more as of late that  needs to stop!!!   MAN LAW 212: NO MAN SHOULD EVER BACK IT UP AND/OR DROP IT LIKE IT’S HOT   We’ve all been there before: In the club trying to get shortie’s attention so, you think to  yourself, I’m gonna give her a lap dance…but, fellas, there is a limit!!! Wind up your waist if you must, just don’t bend at the waist. That not gangsta! Bend at the knees cuz she’s shorter than you, but, if you drop it low and get your eagle on, I will call security! We’ve all been sandwiched by two chicks so, inevitably, you will be grinding your @ss on one of them but, stand tall young man, stand tall! When she goes down, you don’t have to follow. Cross your arms and stand there like the pimp you are!   Again, it’s just a double standard. Men and women just ain’t equal yet, we have to accept  that. I see the dutty wine dance, I wanna do it too! It looks like fun but, I ain’t gonna do it  d@mmit! There are things that are just reserved for women and that line should be crystal  clear in the club.   Keenan “No Droppin’ Down & Getting His Eagle On” Davis

The Man Law Series Part 2

jcarethers@illustcat.net — 2007-04-30T08:23:09-04:00

Keenan’s Weekly Rants & Raves – THE MAN LAW SERIES PART II   As I said, I'm on the Man Law series and I gotta keep the party going!!! So, I'm watching this movie the other day and there's this love scene that's about to start and shortie gets undressed and then dude starts to get undressed but he goes for his pants first leaving on his t-shirt?!?!?!?   MAN LAW 723: MEN SHOULD NEVER WEAR TOPS WITH NO BOTTOMS!!!  Fellas, fellas, fellas, t-shirt and panties is a look that’s reserved for women...when I saw dude in the movie I almost threw up in my mouth! For women, it's optional, take the top off first, take the bottom of first, your choice! Guys, we must always go shirt first then jeans! It's just the natural order of things. It's a double-standard, it's sexist, and that's just the way it is!   In this day and age of metrosexuality and men getting manis and pedis (with the clear nail polish especially), getting body parts waxed and wearing bikini underwear, we need to draw the line! When you're about to make love and you're standing there looking like the fat kid in the pool who's still wearing his t-shirt, it's not a good look!!!   Keenan "Keeper of the Man Laws" Davis

The Man Law Series Part 1

jcarethers@illustcat.net — 2007-04-28T08:23:46-04:00

 In all my travels across this fine city of Gotham, I started to notice something that is very disturbing to me and needs to stop. Fellas, I'm talking to you!!! Let me back up a second. We've all seen and remember the "Man Law" commercials that Miller was showing on TV. Well there's a lot of topics that they haven't quite covered. So for the next several weeks, I'm going to add a few "man laws" that need to be followed forthwith.   OK, there's an epidemic going around and it's time someone brought some light to it, so:   MAN LAW 587: YOUR WOMAN SHOULD NOT BE BIGGER THAN YOU!!!   Fellas, if your girl has broader shoulders than you do, find a new girl. Dawg, if your woman can carry you across the threshold, don't marry her. If you have to tippety-toe to kiss her, time for a replacement. If you often confuse her socks, boy-shorts and/or wife-beaters for your own, the gr@ss truly is greener (and smaller) on the other side!!!   Let's think about this, it just looks funny fellas lol lol!!! I'm all for the big girls getting love too (hell I can admit that I've hit one or two that tipped the scales a bit too much or looked me eye to eye) but, you gotta know when to say when!!! Could you imagine me walking around with a chick that was bigger than me…she'd have to be 6'3" and 240…that's not a good look! It's ok if I'm 6'6" and 300!!! But, when you're 5'7" and a buck sixty (soaking wet), leave the 6 foot women alone…you can't handle her and if you talk slick one night, she might yoke you up!!! Reporting your woman for domestic abuse cuz, she flipped and beat you down, is not gangsta!!!   So, fellas, go home, line up back to back with your woman and ask your mother who's taller! If you lose, sit your girl down and have a heart-to-heart! If she has a bigger waist (not bigger booty, a bigger waist) also, again it's time to have a sit-down.   Keenan "Abider of Man Laws" Davis

Making Your Resolutions a Reality

jcarethers@illustcat.net — 2007-03-01T20:12:22-05:00

We kick off every New Year with declarations that we refer to as “New Year’s Resolutions”. The intention is to motivate ourselves to pursue new goals and even re-visit previous ones from years past that may have gone unaccomplished. Our resolutions are often retrospective of past decisions (or lack thereof) and our desire to make better ones in the year ahead. We tend to be very specific when articulating what areas of our life that we want to make improvements, such as career advancement, financial prosperity, spiritual enlightenment, etc. I’ve come to learn that it is just as important that we are as specific as to how we plan to put these plans into motion, as well. Many times, what makes the difference between making resolutions and actually conquering them is proper planning. Once you’ve actually mapped out the plan, understand that the real challenge comes into play when trying to remain focused and persevere throughout. Staying focused can be a challenge for even the most disciplined of us. The more disciplined you become, the bigger the tests and distractions you will be confronted with. How many times have you begun a task and failed to see it come to fruition because we lost sight of the vision or began to fall short on self-motivation? Roll up your sleeves and get prepared to do the work.

Hope this helps….

UNDERSTAND THE POWER OF VISUALIZATION.
Once you have focused on exactly what it is that you are trying to achieve, you have to be a visionary and literally visualize yourself as what you aspire to be. For example, instead of thinking “I am going to be an actress”, begin to think, “I AM an actress”. There’s power in words and I’m a firm believer that you can “Speak” your goals into existence.
On a deeper level, I will give you a few examples of how the power of visualization can take certain goals to the next level.

Visualization and your relationships…
In your relationship, you cannot be double-minded in your existence and expect your relationship to be consistent with what you envision it to be. Why? Because you are not living the truth you speak. Let me give you an example: Many of us speak very clearly about the type of mate or relationship that we seek to have. We are seemingly so clear with our “wish list” of what our ideal mate will bring to the table. The crazy part is that we are often staring those very same qualities in the face of a lover that we may or may not realize is/could be the ideal mate we claim we are seeking. Often times we aren’t recognizing it because we, ourselves, are not projecting that in which we envision or are expecting of the other person. If you want a healthy, loving relationship, then you must first be a healthy and willing participant yourself. In the past, I have been guilty of subconsciously asking for what I was not truly prepared to receive nor willing to honestly give. I had a tendency to get involved, but would place these “invisible” boundaries of how much I would be willing to relinquish to my partner, which in turn, is a contradiction to the type of relationship I would expect. The point is that you can’t envision being a part of a dedicated relationship if you cannot visualize yourself as a dedicated partner first.

Visualization and Your Families…
The same thing applies in creating goals for our families. How can you say that you want to be a better parent when you won’t even make the effort to be a better spouse? Think about what a contradiction it is to claim that you aspire to love your children better when you are mistreating or disrespecting the union you share with their mother/father? If you are aspiring to strengthen your family unit, then you have to envision it and visualize it.

Visualization and Your Friendships….
The bottom line is that you cannot expect authentic results if you aren’t willing to be truly authentic in your efforts. How can you that you want to surround yourself with people that will be “real” with you when you won’t even take off your own mask? Come on, now. If one of your objectives is to nurture and strengthen the bond you have within your friendships, then you cannot expect that to come to fruition if your actions aren’t consistent with that. For example, practice being as forthright with friends about things that make you uncomfortable. If you are having a disagreement with a friend or disagree with a friend about something, trust that your friendship can handle adversity and speak truth to your friend as to what your issue is. Take your friendships to another level by refusing to be grudgeful and allowing resentment to chip away at your bond. If your typical response/approach is to be passive-aggressive (example : sulking, silent treatment) with a friends when you have an issue with them, then you are not promoting growth within your friendships. To build better friendships, you have to first BE a better one. Quite simply, you have to “be” what you state you want.

Visualization and Finances…(this one’s specifically for you shop-a-holics!)
Another example is our never-ending journey to obtain financial freedom while we struggle and continue to battle with our obsession with material things. We are acutely aware that we have financial obligations, so we kick off each new year with a resolution that professes a new-found commitment to getting ourselves on the right track to financial freedom. Newsflash, folks: There is no freedom in being a slave to the latest fashion trends. You must be proactive and aggressive with helping yourself. SO WHAT if Barney’s is having a mega sale? You don’t need anything! The new Nordstrom circular has arrived in your mailbox…right along with the Sprint bill that you know you are struggling to pay. (SIDENOTE: If you actually have to debate WHICH one of the two you will be tossing into the trash can before opening, then you have serious issues) If and when you shop, train yourself to pre-meditate and plan a list that includes only the necessities. It’s called “target-shopping”, which forces you to adhere to the list of necessities and nothing more. Note to self: The latest Gucci boot is not a necessity. Those Christian Laboutin stilletos are not a must-have, especially when the idea of this little thing called “rent” becomes a constant source of confusion for you from month to month. This tactic may also require some substituting of higher-end items and labels for more cost-efficient ones. You have to actually retrain yourself to thinking more practically. (example: Think “Marshall’s” instead of “Barneys”) And ladies, Sephora is not the end-all to getting your glam products. Keep in mind that there was a life before Sephora (hence, your local drugstore!), so get a grip and get back to the basics. Believe me, no one’s going to turn you away from the club if you suddenly swap your Dior lip glosses for Revlon. (Halle even wears it!!) You won’t suddenly become a social outcast if your label reads “H&M” , rather than “Marc Jacobs.“ (Who knows?.. Who cares?!) If you are going to set goals, then be realistic in knowing what you can and cannot afford to do. If you are committing yourself to becoming more disciplined, then simply ban yourself from compulsive shopping trips. Hence, no more “dropping in” just to browse the racks. Please let’s be clear that the idea is not to push you into self-deprivation mode, but the idea is to think “I AM SELF-DISCIPLINED”. I am speaking to you as a reformed shop-a-holic and a person who has been known to over-indulge in her day. Been there and done that ; got the hat and the t-shirt and can tell you that there’s absolutely nothing fabulous about deceiving yourself. Besides, somehow the words “fabulous” and “broke” just don’t seem to flow well in the same sentence! Envision yourself as the financially responsible person you aspire to be.

DON’T DWELL ON YOUR PAST MISTAKES.
When voice of doubt begins to creep in and overwhelm you by reminding you of mistakes past, face-forward and refer to your past errors-in-judgment as points of reference, rather than character flaws. If you find yourself constantly subscribing to the “Shoulda-, Coulda-Woulda’s“, then you will get stuck in a holding pattern of self-pity and discouragement. It will cause you to divert your focus from what you’re trying to achieve by making you feel as though you can correct the past, which is gone forever. There’s no time for looking back…you’ve got work to do!

TAKE INVENTORY OF THE PEOPLE IN YOUR INNER CIRCLE.
Take an inventory of the “fixtures” (friendships, interests, affiliations) that are currently in your life and be prepared to do an overhaul, if necessary. Every area needs maintenance checks, including friendships. I do periodic “makeovers” that I sometimes refer to as “cleaning house”. I enforce a strict “NO NAY-SAYERS” policy in my camp, which simply means that even if you don’t understand my goals, you must be respectful and supportive. Stop making excuses for deadbeat “friends”. When you become focused and disciplined, everything and everyone in your personal space begins to matter more. You become very sensitive to energy that surrounds you, so if you are surrounded by negative people, then you can become distracted by their negativity. In turn, they become a liability to you because they can put you in a position to miss your blessings. Remember, the more you stand to gain, the more you stand to lose. If there is someone in your cipher that has proven to be dead weight or is constantly dragging your energy down, then it is an absolute must that they MUST GO…Period.

LET YOUR LIFE DECISIONS REFLECT YOUR HEART’S DESIRES.
Examples: When you decide to settle into a relationship, do so with a person that truly speaks to your heart, rather than settle because you simply fear being alone. As for career, if you are given the opportunity to pursue your passion but are afraid that other’s will find it impractical or less lucrative, then your life is being ruled by fear. TRUST YOURSELF TO KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU! Whether it may be cosmetic surgery, changing career paths, dissolving a relationship, cultivating a new one, or overhauling your image, don’t let fear or judgment of others be the deciding factor as to if you follow your heart’s desire. Self-preservation tip: Do not ask others for their permission to pursue your dreams. It’s equivalent to asking another person for permission to be happy.

CELEBRATE THE SMALL VICTORIES ALONG THE WAY.
Regardless of how small the goal, it is a goal nonetheless, so give yourself credit when you knock one out. It’s important that you don’t discredit it or underestimate it’s impact on your progress. In fact, tackling the smaller feats and working your way up to the more challenging ones can give you the incentive and motivation for what’s lies ahead and also builds confidence along the way. No small feat should go unrecognized. Remember, you have to become your own cheerleader!

IN CLOSING

Rather than look to the mistakes that were made in 2006, give yourself credit for simply surviving them! You’ve been given a brand new year to do whatever you feel you need to.

DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOUR LIFE. SPEAK YOUR DREAMS INTO EXISTENCE. BE ABSOLUTE. CLAIM IT. RUN WITH IT. OWN IT…
AND MAKE NO APOLOGIES FOR IT.

I am whomever and whatever I aspire to be.

Keisha

The truth is that there is really no need for a New Year’s resolution to be declared every year if you simply begin to live your every day life in way that reflects the life you aspire to. The best inspiration to keep you moving toward your goals is to live by example.